dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
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