Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Naked Twister starts at high noon
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
