I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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