I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
