His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
