my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
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