And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Did I show you my penis last night?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
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She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...