oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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