I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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