3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
