My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
