Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
