Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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