Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
