FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
