you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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