If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
