please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
