I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
