i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
