Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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