Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
