nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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