My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
