Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
