I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
