i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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