i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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