this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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