Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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