he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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