You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
