I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
