it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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