I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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