Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
