If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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