that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
