i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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