Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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