He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
