turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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