I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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