so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
