My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
