We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
