you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
