What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
