and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
