Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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