I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
