i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
