Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
