you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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