I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?"Â and "Why tacos?"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
