Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's official drugs can't kill me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
