Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
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Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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