My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
