highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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