2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
