dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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