I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
